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Getting It Right The First Time: Movies That Must Never Ever Be Remade


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Remakes: we all hate them, and, yet, they keep getting made. At best, they can be mildly entertaining. At worst, they are pointless wastes of film. Take the 1998 remake of Psycho for example, or Spike Lee’s version of the Korean film Oldboy. Even network executives (usually paragons of good taste) have gotten in on the act. Do we really need a television series based on the Lethal Weapon franchise? In honor of these terrible ideas, we’ve compiled a list of ten films that should never be remade under any circumstances.

 

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

There’d been talk of remaking the 1969 classic that had originally starred the incomparable duo of Paul Newman and Robert Redford. The rumored replacements for the legendary actors? Ben Affleck and Matt Damon… Granted, they made Good Will Hunting, but how long are we going to let them coast on that?

 

The Princess Bride

Some of use like to read the book before we see the film because we’re just better people. A few chapters never made it to the film version of The Princess Bride, like Fezzik and Inigo’s perilous journey through Prince Humperdinck’s dungeon. Fans would love to see this scene brought to life, but, with Andre main eventing in that big WrestleMania in the sky and Mandy no longer being in fencing shape, it’d be pointless.

 

Indiana Jones

Not too long ago there were rumors that Chris Pratt (lovable slob Andy Dwyer to some, dashing dude from Jurassic World to others) would be donning that much beloved fedora. (Beloved fedora… There’s a sentence you don’t see often.) Thankfully cooler heads prevailed and such speculation was put to rest by none other than Steven Spielberg himself. On a side note, after the last film in the series, some of us wouldn’t mind if Ford retired the bullwhip and snarky quips. Let’s make some new pop cultural icons, people!

 

The Wizard of Oz

We all know that the 1939 classic is in no real danger of being remade, but, that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been used as the basis for some pretty terrible films. We’re looking at you Oz the Great and Powerful! Let’s all agree that we’ll wait at least another decade or so before we take yet another twister over that particular rainbow. Also, James Franco should never be in children’s films.

 

Conan the Barbarian

The eighties were a glorious time… At least movie wise. If there was ever a film that encapsulated that era, it’d have to be the first Conan film starring Arnold. A remake was attempted back in 2011 (with Khal Drogo no less), but it failed on every conceivable level. We all love a good sword and sorcery fantasy, but, much like Oz, it’d probably do us all some good to explore other realms of the imagination.

 

Logan’s Run

Logan’s Run is a sci-fi masterpiece where people in a futuristic dystopia must die at age 30. Our hero Logan is not going to let that happen, so he becomes a runner on his not-so-happy birthday. Hollywood has been trying to remake this for some time now, it might be interesting, but nothing beats the original.

 

The Graduate

This is a 60’s classic that is close to every film major’s heart. The plot is too beautiful to be remade. It is fine the way it is. Nobody should be afraid to watch old movies. If you are in college and wondering where your life is going, give this a watch. Recommended viewing area: a room with a duct tape laden couch, a print of Starry Night on the wall and the faint smell of weed still lingering in the air.

 

Network

This movie showed the madness of news media in a dark satire way before 24/7 cable news channels came along. It is also where Peter Finch’s powerful role as Howard Beale, a news anchor distraught by how his employers use his image for their own agendas, earned him an Oscar. Sadly, Finch died never knowing he’d been nominated. Given how the media plays an even bigger role in our lives today, it’s tempting to try a modernized remake. But, let’s keep this the way it is in honor of his legacy.

 

Titanic

There have been many movies about the fate of the Titanic, but James Cameron’s love story is the ultimate one. No one can do it better, not even Michael Bay or J. J. Abrams. Let it stay in the bottom of the sea of memories.

 

It’s a Wonderful Life

The Christmas classic that puts the spirit in all of us should not be remade because it didn’t work when Ted Turner put color in it. What makes anyone think we’ll accept a remake of it. Remakes of classic Christmas films are just a horrible idea… Ok, Miracle on 34th Street gets a pass… Who doesn’t love Mara Wilson? A heartless monster. That’s who.

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